23 November 2015

signs of the divine

I could take a really long time to tell about the depths of despair that I experienced through nine years of darkness, but it might get a little redundant.  It was a hard, black, scary, lonely time.  Yet I have to tell you, I was never alone.  When I felt darkest, inevitably, I would glimpse a flicker of light, hear a whisper of hope to keep me going.

Years ago, at the very beginning of this process, I went looking for a phone charm for my cell phone.  In the entire store, I found exactly one charm, and it was a scripture reference, Jeremiah 29:11, which says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I had no idea at the time that I'd be in this process for so, so long, but it was already looking bleak.  Though I wasn't looking for hope, God sent it to me.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I reached a point where I couldn't sing, a devastating time for me.  Music has always been the way I most meaningfully connect with God, and when I could no longer feel song in me, I was lost, completely adrift.  I still listened to music, though, and I remember dreaming to a song one early morning, waking in tears.  The dream showed me that in my most unguarded state, I was still able to connect with God, and it gave me hope for future wholeness.  

When I felt unloved and ugly, I heard words of boundless love all summer long, through songs and scriptures.  

When I struggled to believe I was personally known and loved by the Creator of the universe, I began to hear a theme everywhere, of God knowing my name.

In this way, God gently and continually brought me through the darkest night of my soul.  He pursued me when I wandered, led me as I trudged the weary path, carried me when I was too tired to move, held me when I was shattered with pain.  In this way, he brought me to Light.

And he still does this even today.

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